This has been a crazy weekend.

Tegan & Sara - Hell




The Bravery - Slow Poison




Solid Gold - Bible Thumper




Logan Lynn - Bottom Your Way to the Top

This first one I would have to say is actually a good version of the female chorus yell that's so popular and irritating right now. Why can't she be popular instead of that #*$(@&$*(!!!

Spinnerette - Baptized by Fire



And an old favorite...

Cut Copy - Hearts on Fire

Amazing Baby - Headdress

Peaches - Lose You

Fever Ray - Triangle Walks

Gossip - Heavy Cross

Peter, Bjorn, and John - It Don't Move Me

These two songs have different feels, but in some odd way seem to make the same point on two different planes...

Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream




Steven Wilson - Harmony Korine

So, at least I know where I went wrong. But I have no clue where to go from here. I can look back and say - I was on the wrong track here, - I was on the wrong track here. I don't know if it's fixable. Even if it was, I don't have the first idea as far as how to set up the necessary structure to make things balanced in the way they need to be. Things have gotten so far off track that I think I ended up in a different galaxy than where I was trying to head. And now I'm hurt, too, and I don't know if I can trust again. Add insult to injury. Fact is, I have been hurt for a long time, and that is why I have been acting out. Because I didn't have the insight to realize how fucked up I was from the first time. Instead, just becoming obsessive about the issue, letting it drive me crazy indirectly. How does "you have to communicate - you have to communicate" translate into "I don't think I can get over the disloyal thoughts you had" and the irony is that a piece of me KNOWS if I had acted correctly in the first place, the disloyal thoughts might not have existed. But this is where we are now, basically taking each other's hearts and tearing them up. I can come up with excuse after excuse after excuse. I'm smart like that. Or unhealthy. You choose the word. Either one fits. All I know is that I am really good at getting out of taking ownership for my own behavior. Somewhere down the road, I stopped watching myself and started being a bitch. Again, some part of me got too comfortable. And now I have regressed into obsessive controlling emotional behavior again. This is why relationships are so hard for me. I feel like giving them up altogether. Maybe I should. Isn't that what an alcoholic has to do? Can't just have a taste, because it starts everything all over again. I have tried so hard to look inside and fix my issues. In between mess ups, I have really tried to take the time and develop resistances to my unhealthy behavior. I have struggled and faught with myself, forcing myself to become comfortable with being alone, forcing myself to take things slowly in hopes this wouldn't happen again. But it does. Time after time. And I am at a dead end. I don't know what to do. All I know is that this sucks.

So what's on my mind? A million things. Right now, I am lost in this world of trying to figure out where I end and someone else begins. Have you ever gotten so close to someone that you can't tell what is attributable to you vs them? All I know right now is that I am a jumbled mess. I know that I have made some mistakes along the way that have allowed me to completely lose myself into the world I was living in. I could beat myself up for it, because I KNOW that I need time to myself, or this happens. But a piece of me kept saying "not this time" "it'll be okay". Well, it's not okay. Now, I have no separate identity. Again. And why is that not good? Because I start doing really dumb shit and blame it on the other person. And it's easy for me to do because I have no time by myself to realize and hold myself accountable. It's like any drug. My drug is people. I get addicted. I can't separate. I just want more and more and more, until it drives me insane. Ha perhaps I should be playing the song "you're my addiction" right now... :) Last time, I knew this, but the other person wouldn't let me take time for myself. This time, it's all my fault. I could have. But I didn't have the strength to take care of my personal needs over my wants. And so I fucked a lot of shit up. And I have been for a long time. And I might have realized it earlier if I wasn't so sucked into it all. But I was and now it's a mess.

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. I need an outlet to release them and get a little clarity. It has been so long since I have needed to write in my journal. I hate failure. Sometimes I wish I could see it for what it is - an occasional necessary growing process, but it brings the fear of God into me for whatever reason. It hurts so much to try so hard sometimes, and then watch it fall back in your face. One thing I have learned throughout life is that sometimes trying too hard is what makes things fail. I have a propensity to become obsessive, and I have had to go through a constant pattern of reeling myself back in after I have been pushing too much energy in one direction. I almost always end up running over other people. Which I hate. I wish I could have the objectivity to be able to watch what I am doing and have clear insights into how my decisions affect a situation. Alas, I am on the inside looking out, so my perspective will always be skewed, and I find that I still have to learn by trial and error.

Faithless & Estelle - Why Go?